Monday, October 1, 2012


Sorry for the gap between posts, sometimes life gets in the way and it's hard to find inspiration.

Today I reflect back on October 1, 2011...

How much has changed and how much has stayed the same.

I can't believe it's been a year since he's been gone. I still miss him and think about him often, and I doubt he'll ever be far from my thoughts. He is still my first born and my son even if his time on earth was so short. While it's been a rough road, it has slowly gotten easier. I'm relearning how to see positives, and growing stronger everyday. I may have lost a few friends over my tragedy, but grateful to see the true colors of some of those around me and find out who are the ones with kind hearts and deserve a place in my life. I now have a better idea of who I can really count on and who was just a fair-weather friend.

I have been reminded to be kinder, gentler, and more understanding towards others as you never know what kind of pain they may be dealing with that society has forced them to hide. I still would never wish the pain on even my worst enemies. He reminded me how important those little things can be and how special and precious time is because before you know it you blink and it's gone.

I still have days where I feel alone and as if I'm the only one that remembers his existence, but slowly I have come to terms with that being ok, that at least I do, and that other people didn't have the bond with him that I did. I have my support groups to get me through the rougher days, filled with people who have walked the same road and don't judge me for taking a moment to be sad. They understand the love I have for him as they loved their's just as much. Some of them have remembered this being his day and I am so grateful for their kind thoughts. As nice as it would be, and as much as I would appreciate it, I don't anticipate anyone close to me saying anything.

So today I try to count my blessings and take the extra time to be gentle with myself. This weekend we plan to visit him and finally place his headstone to give him proper grave recognition.

RIP Baby Boy. Lost but never forgotten, held in my heart until I can hopefully hold you on the other side. Thank you for watching over us, you accepted a pretty big job up there. I'm trying my best to make you proud and be a good mommy to you even though you're not here. Love you forever!

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