Reflections, Three Years Without You

 

     Three years ago today my life changed in ways I could have never imagined. A storm began, and I
had the choice to fight through it and become better, or let it knock me down permanently and become bitter. Today I reflect, grieve, and find the things to be thankful for. Today I refresh my path choice of better.

     To say that I'm still the same person I was then would be completely wrong. My life was turned upside down and was rocked for a very long long time, one does not come out of that completely unchanged. Yes part of me is still here under it all, but better things emerged out of the ashes.

     I have learned to love a littler harder, enjoy, savor, and value the moments in those moments, and have a little more compassion for others. I am forever reminded how quickly life can change. Tomorrow is never promised, what is important is the now. Yes this is full of cliche, but there is truth behind every one of them. I looked mortality in the eye and lived through it to tell the story.

     I am thankful for the person I have become and that I was able to take away positives and peace. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather have my baby boy alive and well in my life, any parent would. It means I was able to accept the reality and focus on the positive of what's left. I found God, I found my faith, I forgave God and myself for not being able to save him. I accepted that there must be a bigger plan that I may never know the answers to during this life of mine on earth.

     I found out that my world was smaller than I thought. I found those who truly care for me, and those who were just fair weather friends, and who was genuine. I found strength through the pain to be who I think I'm meant to be. I learned how to give. I learned how to listen. I learned there are reasons why people are the way they are and to not take it too personally.

     I learned there was more to life than parties and connecting with whoever just happened to be available. That being alone with my thoughts wasn't always a bad thing. That connections with genuine people were more important than just not being alone.

     So Baby Boy, wherever you are in the afterlife, thank you for the gifts that came with your short existence here. I will forever miss you, and I look forward to being able to hold you once again, but I'm not in a hurry as I have an eternity to spend time with you once we meet again. Happy 3rd angelversary sweet boy, I love you.