The words I never thought I would have to say, but I wrote that, and I refuse to be silenced anymore.
I had a sad moment at the end of the day on Mother's Day when I realized no one I expected to acknowledge I was a mom did. I had one friend, whom I had said it to first, and the lovey commenter on my previous post. In that sad moment I posted on Facebook "Nobody bothers to acknowledge the mother without her child...". I was just venting in the moment never expected anything from it, little did I know I would spend the next two days being ripped apart with drama over it.
I thought about posting screen shots, but then it got so long and I realized no one needs to see all that for me to prove my points. I still can't believe some of the things that were said and who they came from. The thing I am grateful for is that they showed their true faces and I know who my real friends are. Thankfully there were more positive comments than bad, and I was surprised the people that came out of the woodwork to support me, I am so thankful for them, and really appreciative of their kindness. It wasn't the way I wanted everything to come out to those that didn't know yet, but at least the elephant in the room was finally addressed. I also got to find out that my biggest fear of him being forgotten wasn't true.
It was my first status related to my loss in six months, a lot of people didn't even know it happened until the drama started. I was told to quit dwelling, that I had a miscarriage not a child, and I'm not a mom because I didn't raise a kid, to get over it, and all of the things you should never say to someone who has lost their baby whether it be at five weeks gestation or five years after birth. So does that mean to them if you have a child and it only lives for a a few hours, days, or weeks, and never left the hospital that you are not a parent because you never got to take it home and care for it? There were all sorts of ridiculous loss comparisons trying to minimize my feelings. People that have had losses themselves and people that were my good friends that I expected would try to understand, twisted every word I said. You know what their excuse was? They were trying to help, and telling me I need help. Excuse me? How is hurting someone, and telling them their feelings are invalid helpful? If anything, if I the person they were trying to help really did need it, it could have quite possibly sent them right over the edge. Wouldn't it have made more sense to just say, hey I'm worried about you I think you should seek some help.
Several of them had not seen me in months, if not longer. How are they to know how I am handling anything. They aren't in my head, they do not know the progress I've made. None of them bothered to ask how I'm doing, none of them would even let me talk it out even a few weeks after it happened and it was still raw. They let me down in the times I needed them most. No one has the right to judge how other's grieve as long as they aren't physically hurting themselves or other's, and there definitely isn't a time limit on grief. That baby was a part of me, and he will always be part of me, scientific fact. If they can't accept him, then they can't accept me. Now they have their dwelling, only I'm dwelling on how mad I am that they would treat anyone like that, especially me. I've never been anything but nice and understanding to them, but I guess that courtesy doesn't go both ways. I'm still pretty flustered and can't get my thoughts straight. It feels like they reopened a wound that was finally starting to heal. I will remember him and honor him on the day he was born, the day he was due, mother's day and any other day I see fit.
So for those who know someone who has experienced loss, let them talk about it, don't be afraid to ask them how they are really doing, let them cry, let them laugh, let them have their moments, and let them know you haven't forgotten their angel.
Now that I've gotten most of it off chest, now on to some normal entries hopefully.
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